This is the first article in a three-part series on dating with the second and third post to follow.
Dating. There isn’t a more confusing word in the English language, or at least here up at BYU, especially around Valentine's Day. For some the definition may be a bit fuzzy. What is a date? How serious does a girl think one date is? Or how about two dates? Three? For others the way to carry it out may be the cause of concern. Is taking the effort to actually call someone appreciated or seen as too old fashioned by girls? If it went great should I end it with a kiss, a hug, or settle for an awkward handshake? For others, all they need is to hear the word spoken by their friends, grandmother, or bishop and it’ll send them into cardiac arrest.
As a 22-year-old, single male BYU student, I myself have had many different reactions and experiences with this thing we call dating. I’ve been through my ups and downs like everyone else and have learned from the best and the worst as I’ve watched others do the same. You can read thousands of articles on the subject but not until you leave your apartment and get to work do you truly learn the best way to do things. I'm still working on that last part.
Over the last couple of months, I’ve noticed something. While everyone dates differently, there really is an ideal method to the madness. Understanding what dating entails and means could help clear some of the confusion and help our generation avoid more heartbreak and struggle than we have been. For the purpose of this blog post, I am going to define dating as not just “the series of social engagements shared by a couple looking to get married” (Webster"s Dictionary Definition) but instead a series of paired off social engagements shared by two people that are looking to deepen their relationship. This expands the definition to include more facets of relationships and not just a term for single people looking for potential marriage partners. This updated definition includes everyone from 16 year-olds going on dates just for fun to married couples who are aiming to maintain a healthy relationship.
Dating, in this meaning, in fact includes three different stages: finding, courting, and marriage. Each stage not only is different in method but also in the principles that should be focused on. By treating a girl on your first date like a husband would treat with his wife, there may be a problem. Each of these three stages build off each other. The principles that are carefully crafted during the finding process are built on and applied in courting and in marriage. We often times do not treat these time periods differently which causes a failure to communicate and some problems. While courtship is all about the ‘you’ and marriage is all about the ‘us’, finding is unique because of its personal nature. When it comes down to it, the finding stage is all about the ‘me’.
You heard me right, it is all about the 'me'. Love and the word ‘me’ usually don’t mix. When we think of love, we think of people that sacrifice their own wants and desires or even their own lives for the sake of their loved one, not the person who watches out for number one. I’m not saying that during the dating process a person shouldn’t treat those they take on dates with utmost respect and genuine charity. What I’m arguing is that finding is not a time to find love itself but instead to find not only someone that you are willing to love but yourself as well. In order to do so, we make three vitals mistakes in the finding stage of dating that keep us from reaching our goal of finding someone who we would like to engage in an exclusive relationship with: 1) Relying solely on shaky, turbulent emotions and ignoring our thoughts and common sense, 2) obsessing over what the other person thinks of us, and 3) failing to communicate our inner desires, weaknesses, and intent.
- Using Your Heart and Mind- Too often we solely listen to our hearts and our feelings and turn off the logic centers of our brains. How does she make me feel? Do I find her attractive? Do I get twitterpated whenever I interact with her? Once we feel that burning in our chest, once we feel chemistry with another, we assume we are in love. Have we done much for the other person? Have we gotten to know them very well? Are we compatible? By ignoring the task of the mind to discern if this relationship is worth pursuing, sometimes we allow our heart to justify us engaging in premature and intimate physical contact. This sends the message of commitment best reserved for the courting and marriage stages before we are actually ready to make that step. We then become involved before we have assessed whether this relationship is worth pursuing or will even work out. If you find both of you are not compatible, this leads to disappointment, heartbreak, and wasted time. Finding allows for our heart and our mind to get on the same page. Our desires and life plans matter just as much if not more than the feelings in our heart when finding someone we are willing to share our life with.
- Don’t Please Others- The main purpose of finding is not finding someone that will like you but instead someone that you like. When we focus on finding someone that likes us, we subtly change the way we act, the way we dress, and even the way we think to become a version of ourselves that someone else will be willing to fall in love with. This false version of yourself is the thing that your date falls in love with. Once you move on towards courting and dating exclusively, they will be disappointed in your actual self. In the end, you won’t be happy pretending to be someone you aren't just to gain affection from another. It is in your best interest and in the person you are dating’s interest too to end a relationship that you see going nowhere now than to wait and end it after having gone deeper with someone. That is why the finding stage should be centered around your own desires and wants instead of other peoples’. By sticking to who you are and what you want will not only help you find someone you are happy to exclusively date (also called courting) but the person you find will also be happy because they will have found someone they are truly compatible with too. By first and foremost protecting you and your own desires in the finding stages of dating paradoxically helps those that you date in courtship and marriage.
- Express Yourself- I once heard that you shouldn’t feel the need to impress others but instead you should strive to express yourself. Express your feelings; express where you want your relationship to go; express your doubts and fear along with your dreams and plans for life. This early stage of dating isn’t so much finding someone but instead finding yourself. Other than my two-years spent as a Latter-day Saint missionary, dating has been the time where I have learned the most about myself, the positives, and the negatives. Being fearful of asking girls out helped me better understand what I fear and how to overcome it. Looking at how I treated my dates helped me appreciate the culture of kindness I’ve been able to create in my own life. If we don’t know our own weaknesses and strengths, how are we going to find someone who is compatible with us? Once we find ourselves, then we can better worry about finding the right type of person. We will learn how to rely on our minds and follow our hearts and be able to be confident enough to express our true selves and not create a false image that we might think those we date will enjoy better than us.
In short, the finding stage of dating often is the most dreaded and least liked of all the stages. Everyone wants to move onto courting and marriage but to do these things, we first need to show we have put in the work to be not only a compatible but a competent partner for those we date. This stage of finding ourselves and then finding another person who understands themselves and is a good fit for us may take awhile but every second of it is worth it. This is what lays the groundwork for the rest of your relationship and love life. Even if you move forward to courting someone before adequately finding yourself, you will either have to struggle in your relationship to not only understand your partner and yourself or need to take a break from your relationship to find yourself. If you prayerfully seek to find how you can improve and understand your strengths and weakness there will be no need to worry about the future. When it comes to the finding stage in dating, “the future is as bright as your faith” (President Monson). The finding stage of dating can be exhilarating, adventurous, and hopeful if we take the time needed to understand ourselves and what type of person will help us reach our full potential as we move into more exclusive relationships.
Stay tuned for Part II in the three-part series on dating Courting: “The Ball’s in Your Hands Now”.
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