May 31st, 2016 was one of the longest days of my
life. After spending two years away from
my family and friends in Japan I was finally coming home. It was a mixed bag of feelings. I was excited to see my family and be in
America again after such a long time away but at the same time I had to say
goodbye to a people I had come to love and put behind me the lifestyle of a
missionary. All those memories of
spreading the gospel of Christ in Japan have stayed with me all this time and not
a day goes by where I don’t think and reflect on my time spent in Japan and the
lessons I learned as I was in the Lord’s service.
Today is June 3rd, 2017, nearly a year after my
journey back to America from Japan, I find myself flying back to America once again but this time it is from the other side of Asia in Jordan. I was only gone a month and was back in Asia for a different reason. Instead of being sent to Japan to preach the gospel, I went to Jordan and was told to not discuss religion in the highly Islamic Middle East. A lot of things were the same, like no dating, a rigorous work schedule, and a lot of study time. This trip however was more about me figuring out my future instead of pausing my life for two years in order to serve others.
 |
| Top: My 31st, 2016 Bottom: June 3rd, 2017 |
Strangely enough, I feel like I have learned just as much
here in Jordan as I would in a month in Japan.
I have spent many nights on the rooftop sitting in a broken plastic
chair listening to the night call to prayer and watching the glimmering lights
of the small village we stay in as I ponder the direction I want to take my
life in the next few years. I spent many
hours digging dirt to try and find not just old Nabataean fineware but a path
and a passion I can follow for the rest of my academic life. I have had many conversations with other
students, site directors, and our professors about where their career has led
them and what opportunities there are for me in the future.
I’ve begun to pray more earnestly than I have since I was in
Japan. I’ve begun to think about my
future instead of procrastinating my decisions or waiting for a lightning bolt
answer. I’ve begun to listen more
intently to what others have to say and what God would have me do. One aspect I loved about my mission was that
God would guide me everyday to bless those that I was serving amongst. I somehow lost that feeling once I got home
and thought it was simply a side effect of returning home from my mission. I learned in Japan that God will do anything
to guide and direct those in the service of others and here in Jordan I learned
that God will guide and direct each person who sincerely wants to plan their
life and find meaning for themselves.
When I came back from Japan, I didn’t feel like I had
started a new chapter of my life but instead that I had ended one. I felt that my life would largely revert back
to what it was before I left and that I would have to readjust to the past
instead of the present. I thought that I
could easily apply my newfound skill of talking with strangers to dating, my
increased diligence to schoolwork, and my new found faith and hope to my career
goals and that these problems that I had faced before would vanish and I would
instantly conquer these once and for all because of my new title of “Returned
Missionary”.
This last year proved to be completely different than I
thought it would be. It didn’t take me
long to get used to watching TV and listening to music again but I still have a
hard time finding meaningful activities in my free time and balancing my
spiritual life with my dating and social life and schoolwork. I was wrong about how my life would be upon
my return and was disappointed for a long time that I had gotten the short end
of the stick or that “RM” life wasn’t quite for me. Where was my relaxation after my
service? Why wasn’t I being blessed for
having served a faithful mission? I felt
that my hard work on my mission was supposed to translate to girlfriends, easy
money, and perfect grades when in reality my weaknesses before the mission
reappeared and new struggles developed since returning home. Other returned missionaries seemed to have it
and I seemed for some reason to not.
After having examined this past year during my stay in
Jordan, I am reminded of the story in the Bible of Lot’s wife, a story that
took place a few hours away from Petra.
Before the Lord was to destroy the city of Sodom because of the people’s
wickedness, he commanded Lot and his family to flee and to not look behind them
at the city when it was being destroyed.
As fire and brimstone fell upon the city and the family was following
God’s command, Lot’s wife turned back and, as the Bible states “was turned into
a pillar of salt” (Genesis 19:26).
According to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, this was such a grievous sin
because “her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future”. She thought that what ever the Lord had
prepared for her in her new life couldn’t be as good as her past life living in
the wicked city of Sodom. Maybe she had
a nice house, some good friends, or enjoyed the weather and could never imagine
getting those things back again as her family fled into the wilderness. Maybe
she looked around at her wicked neighbors and thought it was fair for them to
be destroyed but was angry with God for destroying her home and possessions
which she felt entitled to.
 |
| Japanese and Nabataean Monumental Architecture |
I felt similar when the time came to come back to from my mission. Not that I didn’t want to come back to see my family and continue my college experience but once I started school again my new life didn’t measure up to what I had expected my RM life to be. I thought of the times as a missionary when I felt in charge of my life, when I could make decisions through the Spirit such as visiting a family or picking a topic to teach our investigators and see the miracles that came as a result of that decision. No big miracles like that seemed to happen in my sophomore year at BYU, unless you counted getting through with decent grades. I tried to recapture the excitement and adventure of my freshman year and combine it with my newfound spirituality and hard work ethic from my mission. I thought that all the hard work I put in on my mission would result in a happy carefree RM life. I thought I could easily ride the wave of success I had on my mission into a well paying career and relationship. I thought I had to find my pre-mission self before I could build for the future.
In the same talk quoted above, Elder Holland says, “Faith is
for the future. Faith builds on the past
but never longs to stay there. Faith
trusts that God has great things in store for each of us.” I’ve learned during my stay in Jordan that I’ve
been trying to recapture feelings and experiences on my mission in my life. I’ve been trying to merge pre-mission Shawn
with Elder Hall instead of redefining myself in a new environment with new
challenges and opportunities ahead of me.
I’ve been looking behind to try to find answers for now. I’ve been scared of the future because it is
uncertain, because it will force me to make major life decisions that will decide
my future. I viewed the future as something to be faced and overcome instead of something to find joy in. I tried to sandwich my faith
between my past experiences instead of making new ones. I tried to ignore my current trials and
concerns by focusing on returning to my past state instead of finding a way to
overcome and cope with my “RM” challenges.
Coming back from Asia a second time feels eerily similar to the
first time I did it nearly a year ago. I
was dropped off at the airport to return home alone and had to say goodbye to
people and a country I had come to love and might not be able to see for
awhile. After a life changing cultural
and spiritual experience I am now going back to apply what I learned into my
everyday life to begin a new chapter of my life. Despite all the similarities, this time
coming back from Asia is a lot different from the first. I’ve started to face my future with faith and
am willing to make life altering decisions now sooner than later. I’ve decided to let go of my mission and look at it as a precious memory that will help me in my future instead of
something to distract me from the uncertainties of the next few years. I will miss living with great friends and
students that share a lot of my same interests and dreams. I will miss Jordan and this chance to be in
the field learning about archaeology and the ancient Nabataeans but my future
holds more adventures, surprises, spiritual awakenings, and joy than I could
every imagine. Even if I don’t know what
is in store or what I will decide yet, I can have faith in God that whatever it
is will be better than before.
Comments
Post a Comment